Wednesday, August 25, 2010


I'm usually kind of conflicted about giving out free advertising, but I thought I had to say something for this new product I tried recently. It's called Match Meat and it comes in like six different delectable varieties. Holy crap, these are so fucking good!!! It's so amazingly awesome that I just want to roll around in it like a dog rolls around in his favorite cat turd! Here's a link for you all to check them out:

So I recently tried two of their products, the "chicken" and the "italian sausage." I wish I had taken pics of this stuff to show you guys, but some asshole stole my camera so I guess I'll just have to be as shamelessly verbose about this as possible.

Match Chicken: Though they advertise it as a "ground chicken alternative", you can pretty much get it all out of the package in one solid piece without it falling apart. It has a nice chewy texture without being too rubbery, it's not too dry like some faux meats (yes, I'm talking about you, Yves!) and it tastes pretty much exactly like it came from a bird. I sliced the whole piece of it into four cutlets, rubbed them down with some herb butter and baked them on a bed of sage stuffing. Holy mother fucking FUCK! It was just like one of those rotisserie chickens you can buy whole at the supermarket except without all the hormones, antibiotics, cancer, destruction, torture and death! (Though, I must say, my herb butter can pretty much rock the cock off of any meal I use it in.) Since it is technically a "ground" chicken alt, it did have a slight bit of a different consistency than a piece from an actual chicken would (kinda made it more like a fish consistency than chicken, so might be good as a fish alternative too if seasoned right) but I wouldn't say that's a negative and I think it has more to do with the way I used it. Still, every single bite was super amazing and I was seriously disappointed when it was all gone!

Match Italian Sausage: Hands down, this is THE BEST ITALIAN SAUSAGE I HAVE EVER HAD. I decided to use it to make lasagna, but as I was frying it up in the pan I couldn't keep my fingers out of it! This stuff is seriously the best vegan italian sausage you can ever get ever ever EVER! It has the same nice chewy texture as the Match Chicken, without being too dry, just with all the right herbs and spices to make a real Italian sausage. I've always thought Boca made the best burgers and would usually just chop some of those up and add my own seasonings whenever I wanted Italian sausage. No. This Match stuff is BETTER than anything I've made myself. The lasagna I eventually made out of it (and yes, one package is enough for a whole family size pan of lasagna) was PURELY ORGASMIC! Fo' Fuckin' REAL! With every bite I had an orgasm in my mouth, then my esophagus, then my stomach, then I'm pretty sure I felt a little one in a kidney, then my intestines and so on. So, you know how Daiya makes the best (affordable) vegan cheese? It's like the Daiya of Italian Sausage!

Basically, Match Meats are the fillet mignon of vegan meat alts. That also means that, along with the best taste, they're kinda pricey. I paid about $12 to $13 per package, but you can order them on their website for about $7.50 each (however, a minimum delivery order is four packages). Just like with any food, if you want better quality you're going to have to pay more (you know... at least until the revolution comes).

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